he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
