He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
