I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
