The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
