just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
