when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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