This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
