I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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