You really coming over, don't trick.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
