I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
is that a dick in a sweater?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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