I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
