I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
