He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
