i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
