Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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