should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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