he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
