You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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