he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
