it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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