It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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