the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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