Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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