Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
