god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
