The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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