Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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