I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
