I am spending my child support on dildos
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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