i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The uberlube is also flammable
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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