New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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