Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
