I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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