Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
