so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
