What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
