She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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