did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
