Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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