I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Randomize
