is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
