Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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