I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea