Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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