I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
