Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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