lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
