just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
