Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
