I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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