i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
