Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
