Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
