theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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