the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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