Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
